Mishaps in Courting
by italianvampiremafia
Summary: A chat-up line contest between the Marauders causes some sticky situations with various beautiful witches. Who says Remus isn't as crazy as Sirius? Marauder antics with Jily romance.
1. Sirius' Challenge

**Mishaps in Courting**

_**Chapter One: Sirius' Challenge**_

"I'm so _bored_!" Sirius whined for about the millionth time that day. "Isn't Hogsmeade weekend supposed to be _fun_?"

"No, Sirius, it's meant to bore us to tears," Remus said sarcastically.

"Well, it is damn well doing its job," Sirius retorted.

"Maybe we should do something then, instead of sitting here whining about how we're not doing anything," James proposed, "because it is quite frankly boring."

"Excellent idea, mate!" Sirius rejoiced. Sirius got up from his spot on the couch in front of the Gryffindor common room fire and paced back and forth past the window.

"But what should we do?" Peter asked, not actually thinking of anything as usual.

"I wouldn't mind doing _that_," Sirius commented as a seventh year, Marlene McKinnon, walked by them. "Hey! Marlene!" Sirius said as he walked up to her. "Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world."

"Oh, Merlin," the seventh year sighed before turning around and walking up the stairs to the girl's dormitories.

"That was a lame pick up line, Sirius," James laughed at the disappointed look on his friend's face.

"Like you could do any better!" Sirius huffed.

"I bet you a galleon I could."

"Deal."

The boys looked up when they heard what sounded like a stampede of unicorns coming down the staircase of the girl's dormitory. Sirius laughed, "It must be Marlene. She changed her mind and is rushing to accept my offer of… well, something."

James sat up a bit straighter when he noticed that it was not Marlene, but a few of his fellow sixth years. They immediately made their way to a study table in between the windows and the fireplace. James' eyes followed one girl in particular. He noticed her delicate movements as she laughed with her friends.

James smirked at Sirius and walked over to the sixth year females. He perched himself on the edge of the table, nearest to the green-eyed beauty he had been gazing at so fondly. Looking around at the three girls, he gave his crooked smile to one in particular.

The girl James had been affectionately staring at spoke up first. "What do you want, Potter?"

"I just need your opinion on something." James stated.

"Go ahead," the brunette Gryffindor directly across from James said expectantly.

"Thank you, Emmeline." James winked. She giggled in response and turned slightly red under her light freckles. "Well, Sirius and I were debating on what chat-up line would work best with girls-"

"Oh _great_," the object of James' affection mumbled. She impatiently ran her fingers through her fiery red hair.

"Now, Sirius says that the line, 'Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world' would work. But I believe that the line, 'If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty' would be far more successful. Which one do you ladies think would work best?

"Yours, definitely," the third girl spoke up, "It's cute."

"I agree with Alice." Emmeline Vance said batting her eyelashes at James. Her redheaded companion scowled at her friend and gathered her books before exiting the common room via the portrait hole. Alice Prewitt rolled her eyes at Emmeline, who was too busy staring at the messy haired boy in front of her. They both left the common room to catch up with their friend.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Sirius shouted at no one. Then, he chucked a galleon at James' head in payment before plopping down and pouting as if he were a toddler.

"They're right, Sirius your chat-up line sucked," Remus commented laughing.

"And you think you could do better, Moony?" Sirius shouted.

Remus rolled his eyes at his crazy friend, "Duh!"

"FINE! Remus Lupin, I challenge you to a pick-up line duel!"


	2. The Rules

This story has so far been favorite-d twice by **depthofeyes** and **PureAwesomeness13**. Additionally, **PureAwesomeness13**and **Teddy R. Lupin** have added this story to their alert list. Mishaps in Courting has 37 hits. But _**0**_ reviews?

**Mishaps in Courting**

_**Chapter Two: The Rules.**_

_"FINE! Remus Lupin, I challenge you to a chat-up line duel!"_

"A what?" James asked.

"A. Chat. Up. Line. Duel." Sirius stated bluntly as if a chat-up line duel was an everyday occurrence. "You heard me."

"You're on!" Remus stated quite loudly.

"What does this duel exactly entail?" James asked, giving an excited look between Sirius and Remus.

"Oh! Of course! Prongs you will be the official score keeper and Wormtail can write down the rules as we think of them!" Sirius commanded. Peter rolled his eyes before grabbing some parchment and a quill as James sat back looking interested.

"Score? So, we'll get points for each pick up line?" Remus questioned.

"Of course!"

"Ok, then, I say you subtract three total points from your overall score if the girl _kicks_ you," James laughed.

"Yes! Peter write that down!" Sirius commanded joyfully.

Peter questioned James, "Is it really going to come to that?" But he wrote it down anyways.

"I bet it will!" James answered.

"Uh… I really hope that isn't going to happen…" Remus said worriedly.

"Oh it won't. To you, at least. Sirius on the other hand…" James reassured Remus.

"Shut it, Prongs." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ok… next rule… you lose two points when…"

"You get slapped?" Peter put in sarcastically.

"Yes! And you also lose one point when laughed at mockingly."

"How about zero points if the girl just walks away?" Alice, who had just re-entered the common room, said helpfully from her spot near the fire.

"Good. Thank you, Al." Sirius said. "Peter, are you writing that down?"

"Yeah, yeah," Peter answered.

"So we have negatives and a zero but now for positive…"

"Plus one point if the girl smiles at you and/or laughs nicely at you?" James suggested.

"Yeah… and plus two points if… she says "thank you" or any variation of that. And plus three points if she winks at you." Sirius dictated.

"Four points if she kisses you on the cheek," Remus added.

"Five points if the girl asks you out." James continued.

"AND six points if she kisses you on the lips. And an additional two points if you continue to snog her." Sirius finished. "Got that Peter?"

"I highly doubt that either of you will get kissed, but, yeah, I wrote it down." Peter laughed. The boys stood behind Peter and looked at what he had come up with.

**Point System for ANOTHER One of Sirius' many "Competitions":**

_-3 points when kicked_

_-2 points when slapped_

_-1 point when laughed at mockingly_

_0 points when girl just walks away_

_+1 point when smiled at or nicely laughed at_

_+2 points when girl says, "thank you"_

_+3 points when winked at_

_+4 points when kissed on the cheek_

_+5 points if girl asks you out_

_+6 points when kissed on lips_

_Additional 2 points if full "snog session" begins_

"Excellent, Wormtail." Sirius clapped his hands together. "Now where do you propose we do this? Throughout the castle or into Hogsmeade?"

"How about both?" James explained, "We could head to one of the Hogsmeade secret passageways and you guys can hit on girls passing by on the way there."

"Good!" Sirius said joyfully. "Moony, are you ready to be taken down?"

"No. Are _you?_" Remus challenged.

"You bet! Wait I mean… no…"

James laughed. "Let's go guys. Wormtail give me that parchment and quill, I've got to keep score." Peter handed James the stuff and the boys headed out of the Gryffindor common room.

"You guys will have to take turns so which one of you wants to go first?" James asked.

"I dooooo!" Sirius yelled, at the same time Remus said, "Me."

"Wormtail, who gets to go first?" James turned to the least insane of the four marauders.

Peter wondered which one would fail more often, "Umm- uh… Moo- Padfoot."

"Yes!" Sirius cried joyfully.

"Well, here comes your first girl." James said as seventh-year Ravenclaw and Head Girl, Melissa Andrews walked towards them.

Sirius grinned and stepped in front of Melissa, blocking her way. "Hey, Lissy." Sirius greeted cockily.

"What do you want, Black? Shouldn't you be doing your homework or something?" Melissa rolled her eyes.

Sirius smirked. "If you were my homework, I'd be doing you on the table right now."

Melissa chuckled and shook her head. "Whatever you say, Sirius." And with that she walked away.

"Yes!" Sirius punched his fist in the air. "She laughed! One point for me! Beat _that_ Moony!"

"Oh I will."


	3. And So It Begins

Thanks to **BOOKS-R-MY-LIFE-000, mysticrox123, PureAwesomeness13, **and **Sigy Artyn** for reviewing! 517 hits and 5 reviews? Share your thoughts! Also, a shot out to those who favorite-d or put this story on their alert list: **Almost Genius, depthofeyes, Gomeriah, ellabellafortunetella, Miss Dumbledarcy, Teddy R. Lupin, Tigrette-of-Fire, WildEyed **and **LadyLorairiesTheAssassin**. Don't just favorite/alert, let me know your thoughts! I'll put the score from the last chapter and the scoring system at the beginning of each chapter.

**Mishaps in Courting**

_**Chapter 3: And So It Begins**_

_-3 points when kicked_

_-2 points when slapped_

_-1 point when laughed at mockingly_

_0 points when girl just walks away_

_+1 point when smiled at or nicely laughed at_

_+2 points when girl says, "thank you"_

_+3 points when winked at_

_+4 points when kissed on the cheek_

_+5 points if girl asks you out_

_+6 points when kissed on lips_

_Additional 2 points if full "snog session" begins_

**Sirius: 1 Remus: 0**

"_Oh I will."_

Sirius and Remus began mock viciously circling each other like a pack of wild animals before James laughed, "Here comes the next victim."

Sirius and Remus turned to see who would be Remus' first encounter. As soon Sirius noticed who was coming he began hysterically laughing and leaning against the wall for support. She was stomping down the hallway looking to pass the marauders with her nose in the air and without a second glace. It was Sirius' cousin, the seventh year, Narcissa Black.

Remus took a deep breath before coolly stepping in Narcissa's path. "Hey."

"What do _you _want?" She looked shocked that any lowly younger Gryffindor would dare interrupt her confident strides. "I'm _trying_ to meet my _fiancé _in Hogsmeade, now if you would excuse me…"

Remus put his arm out against the wall to stop her from leaving and took a step closer towards the thin blonde. Sirius fell on the floor and began laughing so hard he stopped making noise. Remus looked intently into Narcissa's cool grey eyes and said, "Excuse me, I know you have Malfoy and everything and I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but…" at this point he took his arm off the wall and laid it gently on Narcissa's hip. "You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you."

Narcissa looked from Remus eyes down to his hand on her hip and stuttered out, "Uhm, thank you…" before practically sprinting away from the boys down the hallway.

Remus looked away from the retreating girls before grinning at his friends, "Two points for me!"

Peter just stared open mouthed back at him while James had succumbed to fits of silent laughter. Remus looked to Sirius in his spot on the floor staring shocked down the hallway after his cousin.

"She didn't kill you… you actually made Cissy lose her perfect composure for a second… I underestimated you." Sirius got up of the floor. "This means war."

The boys continued down from the seventh floor towards the entrance hall without taking their usual short cuts so they could run into more girls on the way down. The problem was that most students had already made their way into Hogsmeade.

"Maybe we should just head to Hogsmeade, since the hallways are practically deserted." Peter suggested.

James had taken out the Marauder's map to better detect locations of students. He looked up from it and grinned manically at Peter. "Of course not, Wormtail, Sirius is about to have a whole group of ladies to choose from for his next turn."

Peter glanced over James shoulder, "Very true, Prongs. This will be excellent."

Before Sirius could ask what Peter and James were conspiring, he heard loud giggling coming around the corner. A group of around five second year Gryffindor girls were rounding the corner.

Sirius squared his shoulders and put on his most charming smile before muttering to Remus, "Moony, this will be like taking candy from a baby, literally. Prepare to be defeated. He then marched straight at the group of girls, who stopped talking as they saw him striding right at them.

"Hello, ladies." The girls all let out a group giggle. Sirius looked each one of them in the eye. "So, it's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss?"

They looked at each other in shock before the leader of the group got on her tip toes and pecked Sirius right on the lips and then nudged one of her friends before giggling away down the hallway. The other four Gryffindor girls seemed to then get the courage as well and three more quickly kissed Sirius before running down the hall. The last girl blushed and hugged Sirius round the middle before following her friends.

Sirius strutted back to his friends. "How many points was that, Wormtail."

"That was cheating!" Remus exclaimed. "You can't just _ask _for kisses! You have to use a pick-up line!"

Sirius laughed, "That _was_ a pick up line. And an effective one at that." He turned to Peter, "how many points, mate."

Peter rolled his eyes and looked down at his rule sheet, "Four kisses and one hug totals to… well it is twenty-four points for the kisses but the hug isn't on this list. So I'll add it in as four points, I'd say. So that racks up to twenty-nine points total for Sirius."

Remus made a noise of deep indignation before James patted him on the back and stated, "Don't worry, Remus. He'll lose every single last point by offending dozens more women in Hogsmeade."

"Fine, but before we get to the entrance hall, I'd like to make a quick detour to find my next girl." With that Remus strode down the next flight of stairs and down a corridor before the Marauders stopped in front of a double door entrance.

"What is this place?" Sirius asked before they entered.

"The library." Remus smirked.


	4. The Library

Alerts and favorites are becoming too numerous to give shout-outs but I will always give love to my reviewers! Thanks a million to **Marauders-Fred and George XD** and **Carrot-Bunny**.

**Mishaps in Courting**

_**Chapter 4: The Library**_

_-3 points when kicked_

_-2 points when slapped_

_-1 point when laughed at mockingly_

_0 points when girl just walks away_

_+1 point when smiled at or nicely laughed at_

_+2 points when girl says, "thank you"_

_+3 points when winked at_

_+4 points when kissed on the cheek or hugged_

_+5 points if girl asks you out_

_+6 points when kissed on lips_

Additional 2 points if full "snog session" begins

_**Sirius: 30 Remus: 2**_

"_The library," Remus smirked._

Sirius gasped. "No! This is an unfair nerd advantage! I don't want to hit on stuffy girls like Evans."

"Hey! Lily is not stuffy!" James indignantly exclaimed and earned a loud "Shh!" from Madame Pince, the librarian.

Sirius simply ignored James and continued looking at the library in awe. "Why are there so many _books_?"

Peter stared at Sirius as if he'd grown a second head. "Padfoot… it's a library. Books are kind of the point."

"But the only girls that are going to be in here on a Saturday, and a Hogsmeade day at that, are prudish bookworms with no social lives!" Sirius exclaimed. Sirius had a quick stare down with the glaring Madame Pince, which he promptly lost as soon as it looked like she was going to approach the group.

"Hush up, or Irma will kick us out." Remus whispered.

"Irma? Irma?! You refer to the devil by her first name?" Sirius whisper shouted in return.

Remus rolled his eyes and was about to retort when Peter interrupted, "Shut up you two and go hit on some nerds."

James chuckled when he spotted the first girl nearby, "There you go." He said pointing at a girl huddled over a book in the corner, "A nice Ravenclaw fourth year."

"A bit young for my taste but perfectly your speed, Moony," Sirius challenged.

Remus ignored him and headed over to the secluded corner spot. As he approached, he noticed that the Ravenclaw was immersed in a textbook about advanced spell invention. He cleared his throat when he arrived at the table but to no avail. The blonde continued to read without acknowledging the prefect.

Trying a new strategy, Remus sat down across from her at the table and slid the book from her grasp. His eyes were met with big silvery blue ones and he gave her a nervous grin.

"Hello," the girl greeted, brushing a stray curl out of her face. She looked at him patiently, seeming to wait for him to speak.

Her inquisitive gaze was unwavering and Remus faltered a bit before stammering out his line, "I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?" He silently cursed himself for letting her stare shake his confidence and make him use a different line than he had intended.

However, the girl giggled and smiled at him. She collected her book from his hands and stood. "Perhaps, you should get a stuffed wolf instead. Much manlier." She bent down and gave him a peck on the cheek and ruffled his hair before turning.

He stared open mouthed at her as she walked away. Just as she was almost out of sight, she looked back to him, "Besides, the things we lose always have a way of coming back to us in the end."

Remus was broken out of the trance the Ravenclaw had put on him when James started a slow clap. "Way to completely fail and still get five points!"

"Who was that?" Remus asked, getting up to join his friends.

Sirius and James simply shrugged since they didn't pay too much attention to non-Gryffindor students. But Peter supplied the answer, "Her name's Selena, she sometimes commentates on the Quidditch matches, you know, the serenely calm girl?"

Sirius and James nodded, remembering the girl's frank and honest opinions of the players on the field. Peter continued, "I also heard that she's dating that bloke- the Magical Creatures writer who just got fired from The Daily Prophet for publishing an entire article on Wrackspurts ."

James looked surprised, "Isn't he like five years older than us? She seems a bit young to be dating a 22 year old."

"Girl's got game!" Sirius laughed. He then spotted their next victim move into the bookshelves a few feet away. "Wish me luck!"

He puffed out his chest and dashed around the shelves. He started loudly, "Hello there lo—" before promptly clamping his mouth shut when he saw the woman's face.

"Mr. Black, what in Merlin's name, are you doing in the library?" Professor McGonagall's stern voice scolded. James, Remus, and Peter had found a spot to eavesdrop the next shelf over and fell over in silent laughter when they heard that it was their Transfiguration professor speaking to Sirius.

Sirius quickly recovered from the shock and grinned like a madman. He took a step closer to his Head of House before delivering his line with a wink, "I bet you're a Howler."

McGonagall's lips thinned even further than normal but she barely lost her composure when she turned back to the bookshelf and slid a heavy tomb off of the shelf. She turned back to Sirius, "Detention with Hagrid every Friday night until Christmas, Mr. Black. Now, please excuse yourself from the library."

The rest of the Marauders could barely contain their mirth in the next row over. Especially when Sirius called out to McGonagall as she walked away, "Hey Minnie! Hagrid's not the only giant on campus if you know what I mean."

With that, the rest of the boys exploded in raucous guffaws. McGonagall didn't even turn around. "Make that the rest of the year, Mr. Black. With Filch instead of Hagrid."

She continued to walk away before pausing at the row the other boys were chortling in. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Pettigrew you will serve your detentions with me for three weeks every Sunday evening. Now get out of the library."

Sirius came to sit with the others. James complimented, "That was excellent, mate."

"I'm bloody brilliant! Do I get extra points for using two lines, Wormtail?" Sirius asked.

"No." Peter chuckled. "That's not in the rules, but we do need to add detention to the list. I declare minus four points if you receive detention for your chat-up line."

James added, "An additional two points are lost if you get everyone else in trouble as well!"

Peter agreed and added that to his parchment. "So, you had thirty points but this brings you down to twenty-four."

"Codswallop! You cannot make up rules as you go along. Not fair!" Sirius agrued.

Peter smirked, "Yes I can." He then turned and strutted out of the library with Remus and James close behind and Sirius running to catch up.

Soon, they entered the Great Hall where Filch was checking permission slips and examining bags as students left and returned from Hogsmeade. With a quick, "See you on Friday, mate!" from Sirius, they made their way to the gates of Hogwarts.

"Remus, it's your turn!" James clapped his hands together, "And I see some ladies right ahead of—"

The Marauders looked to see what stopped James from finishing his sentence and immediately noticed a head of long red hair in the group of girls he was referring to.

"Nevermind, there Moony ole chap. This one is all me." James smirked.

Sirius and Peter exchanged wary glances and Remus smirked knowingly.

James surged ahead of them.

"Oi! Evans, wait up!"


End file.
